Clinical depression – a mental health disorder characterised by persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities, causing severe impairment in daily life.
Mentioned above is the technical definition of clinical depression, as given in Google search results. It’s said to be a very common disease or disorder, whatever you call it, with over more than 10 million cases daily( in India). 
The causes of this may possibly include biological, psychological and social sources of distress.
Various types of therapies, medications and some medical procedures are considered as treatments to this fatal cause.
All the information that I have listed above shows how the cause is described in pen and paper, or in my case, on the web. But, you know, the real picture of clinical depression is not so straightforward and pinpointed as it looks and sounds while reading off the computer screens and a book. It’s a lot more different.
And, I know this ’cause I myself am a survivor of this unsettling and unearthing feeling.
It was back in the year 2016 when I realised that I was suffering from clinical depression. 2015 had been a very tough year for me. I had lost one of the most important persons of my life at the hands of death. It was a grave shock for me. It was the first time in my life that I had learnt what loosing someone truly meant. I just couldn’t adjust myself to the new feeling of emptyness which her death had caused me, I tried but I just couldn’t. It was as of someone had broken my heart to a million pieces with a hammer…
I suffered from this for about three years straight. They had been the toughest three years of my life. During this time, waking up everyday felt like a burden to me, it caused me immense pain when the reality of my situation dawned upon me every morning after waking up. I felt like to be dead could be a much preferable option than living in this dark and gloomy hell. People around me, a.k.a my friends, tried their best to cheer me up, cracked silly jokes, made me my favourite chocolate cake, took me to my favourite travel destinations, tried to lure me into opening up to them with the best tricks available in their bag, but, it just didn’t help. It was as if my reasons for being happy were nada. Being happy felt so wrong. I felt as if all the sorrow in the world should be thrown right at my face which, in turn, will serve as reasons for me to end my precious life. I realised that, back then, I had wanted to befriend the dark and let go of the light, of the happiness of my life…
As much as I am ashamed of admitting and confessing this, I did try to end my life, not once, not twice, but six times, six times I tried committing that sin. To this day nobody knew about this. I did not tell anybody about this. Nobody was able to even find out about this ’cause I always covered up my tracks well. But, today, when I am writing this truth down, placing it all out unto the open for the world to read and know, I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off my chest. The queer heaviness I had at some part of my heart that was weighing it down is being lifted off slowly. I feel much more alive after letting it all out….
4 years back, when all my attempts of killing myself had failed, I had felt like the unluckiest person to be alive on this planet. But now, 4 years later, when I am sitting on my recliner, my tablet in hand, typing this piece down, I feel like the luckiest person alive on Earth…
Life doesn’t normally give second chances. But it did, for me. It gave me not one, not two, it gave me six chances. And I think, if it has given me these chances, there’s a reason behind it. I had realised sometime last year that I don’t want to waste these chances. I realised that just as life had given me chances I wanted to give life a chance too. I rejuvenated my passion for writing during this time last year. I was never a social butterfly, so I thought why not write all my hidden desires, wishes and guilts down??
I executed my plan of doing the same and here I am with you’ll, writing my heart out…
But, you know, if I ask my heart a question that whether or not I am over that dark phase of my life, the answer would be a no. I know it for a fact that I am still not over it, it’s just that I have learner to live above it…
Just like The Ancient One had said,” You never lose your demons, you just learn to live above them…” And I did exactly that. I chose to see the few whites in my life to block the black from my line of sight. I chose to absorb the light from the embrace of the dark and I hope and pray that you all will do the same…..

Everybody deserves to lead a happy and normal life, right? But what if you don’t get it? What if you don’t get that life which was all you had ever asked for, all you had ever wished for, craved for? When all you wanted was peace of mind and all you ever got was total chaos. When all you ever asked for was a simple meal three times a day and all you got was a plate filled with hatred, secrets, plots, pain and sorrow, all round the clock. It hurts as hell, right? I think and I know for sure, it does. It breaks you into pieces, so many pieces that you can’t even count them. It shakes you right up to your core. It can’t bruise you physically but the pain it inflicts upon the heart is a hundred times more painful than a jab of a knife….
People say that our family is what makes us who we are. They are the only ones who tend to stand by us no matter what happens, they say that our families don’t judge us for what we are, rather accept us for who we are. People say that a person’s family can turn the worst day of his life into the best one just by being with him. People even tend to die happy if they have their family around while on the deathbed. Sounds like a fairy tale with a happily ever after, doesn’t it? I am pretty sure it does. But what if this ‘picture-perfect’ family isn’t what it is ‘supposed’ to be? What if it’s anything but the dream family you wanted to have? What if instead of protecting you from danger your family’s the one pushing you towards it? What if your family’s the one who vows to make your life a living hell instead of making it heavenly? Feels like a nightmare, right? I am sure it does…
Friends, the people who supposedly are the ones responsible for making life bearable, who might even get themselves insulted and bruised and God knows what else just to keep you safe. The ones who are said to have a tolerance level of 100, on a scale of 1 to 100, when it comes down to your tantrums and humourless jokes. Well, sounds like a perfectly brewed cup of coffee to me!! Am sure as hell it does to you too. It makes you think that life is so perfect, ain’t it?? As if, if you were to die right now, you would die the happiest death anybody has ever had!! Not to sound like I am being a pessimist or something like that, but, you ain’t getting what you want in life, man. Trust me when I say this, but it really is suffocating to even think that the one you had called a friend turned out to be even worst than an enemy. The person whom you poured your heart out to, in moments of weakness, was only by your side just to fill up her insatiable gossip thirst. The one who was supposed to take your secrets to the grave was, in reality, selling them out like a piece of pastry, for just being famous!!
You never asked for this, nobody ever does. You don’t wake up every day in the morning with the sunlight seeping through the curtains only to notice that it was never the Sun, it was just your misfortune and sorrow, looking down at you, with a triumphant smirk on their faces, and with a halo around their heads, throwing it at your face that even they can have a bit of light, but you can’t, that you are always meant to be rotting away in the dark. Nobody wants this, but, sometimes you just can’t help it. It happens.
In situations like these, I know it feels as if you can’t live anymore, as if all the air has been sucked out of you, as if you are dying. You feel like shit. But please, please don’t let it win over you, please don’t let yourself be defeated by this. Fight it back, fight back the shitty feeling, fight away all the negativities and embrace the positivities, fight back the dark and embrace the light. It will help you win. Trust me on this!!
– Rae

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